Thankful Thursday Digging Deep

“Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good, and give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude. “ (even the crappy stuff) 

 Quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson

Flashback to last week, my twins’ first day of preschool, a tough day for every mother! Sitting in the parking lot balling my eyes out, it hit me. There were so many times I mourned these future milestones with children, fear that they would never happen for me. My infertility battle was hands down the hardest thing I’ve been through. It often left me heart broken, defeated, alienated, feeling like a failure and just plain pissed off. I owned those feelings, cried a lot, mourned even more but somehow always found myself ready to keep going again, despite of all the pain. This drive to carry on, even after every road block, miscarriage and delivery of more bad news always came about when I allowed myself to find the teenie tiny ounces of good through it all. 

-Our doctor, always remaining positive, willing to keep going if we were. 
-Against all odds we somehow keep getting perfect golden embryos. 
-When the money ran out and the next round of IVF or surrogacy was on the horizon – somehow we could still make it work.

After allowing myself to feel all the pain I’d challenge myself to find the small “good” in a terrible situation. I’d express gratitude for those positives and inevitably I’d regain my tenacious spirit. How could I not press on? 

And here I am. Sitting in my car, sad my twins are growing up, going to preschool, experiencing all the “mom feels” I never thought would be a part of my path. Realizing I’ve come full circle, suddenly full of gratitude. Yes, gratitude for my battle with infertility. While it didn’t go the way I thought it would, I’ve come to the place I’ve always dreamed of being. A mom crying in the parking lot after a huge milestone for my little nuggets. 

There are two ways to spiral in times of adversity, fear or faith. While I was full of fear, I challenged myself to lean on my faith in spite of the fear, and oh my, what a ride it has been.